COVID Anger Management.
Last week, I was angry at myself for engaging with an online comment, breaking my own rules. On any other day, I’d be fine, but because it was my daughter’s birthday, that one day I wanted to be a good person, it affected me. Because a good father should not be embarrassing himself on the internet. And because I couldn’t really be 100% during her birthday, it made me even angrier.
To offset that downer, my piece on Santiago’s nama choco went live on Broadsheet. I’d like to think that gave him more businesses to neutralise some of his bad news as well.
What bad news?
(I’ll just touch on it briefly, ok Santi?)
A few weeks ago Santiago had a sold-out ‘high tea at home’ event and due to logistical issues, he had to cancel and refund some orders.
That’s not ideal, but what’s worse is when people started abusing him online. What’s worse is when the abuse reached his wife’s insta as well. What’s worse is when after receiving a refund, some customers would still call up the hotel and ask for compensation, demand he gets fired etc.
Here’s another story from a client.
This client, one of the highest acclaimed restaurants in Melbourne makes fancy bento boxes ($80 a pop) every Saturday.
Limited to 20 a week, the only way to book it is by phone.
A customer couldn’t get through quick enough and decided to send death threats. What’s worse is he gets the wife to go online and do the same thing.
Over a limited edition bento box.
You know what’s worse than pent-up anger?
Entitled pent-up anger.
Pent-up anger with disposable cash.
Everyone’s trying their best here. Managing a business, pushing products, selling books, maintaining a livelihood.
Trust me, the world did not just decide to wake up with the sole purpose of pissing you off.
I think.
My own pent-up anger, repressed since lockdown 2, sounds so pathetic when I type it out:
Crispy Chilli Oil.
I’ve seen it lying around friends’ place (in between lockdown 3 and 4) and paid no attention to it.
Until I saw it in Victoria Market recently going for $20.
$20 KANGAROO DOLLARS?
How did we end up paying $20 for chilli oil?
And it’s not just one brand, there are 4-5 of these in the market.
If I’m not mistaken, one even had ‘love’ on their ingredient list.
What, the love for profit margin?
I laugh at the reviews because most of them are in the tune of ‘it’s crispy, but not spicy’.
'Mild, for everyone.’
So … $20 for chilli oil that’s not even spicy?
I don’t know man, if I’m paying nearly a bottle of red wine worth of money for chilli oil, I expect to shit fire.
I get it though, labour, production, logistics.
But before we get into that, what’s wrong with Lao Gan Ma?
I mean, inflation has doubled LGM’s price, but it’s still $3-4 a jar.
I might be overthinking it, but this is like the MSG debacle all over again.
Does anyone in Melbourne remember the chilli scrambled eggs from Three Bags Full? That was Lao Gan Ma. Richmond folks had no issue with it.
We had a proven, consistent product, but no, the picture of an old grandma staring at us in the pantry is too… exotic. We want some of our own local flavours. Perhaps a giant typographical logo with some progressive attitude. White space. Something we can trust. The chilli oil my household deserves.
/s
If they’re so ‘local’, why aren’t they offering bigger jars? Instead of offering a 3-pack discounted price of $50 (wowie!) in tiny little canisters, why not 1 kg jugs? Let me bulk buy.
You know what’s the main ingredient in a jar of chili oil?
Oil.
Check the nutritional label.
In fact, the takeaway from this post is that you can actually reverse-engineer a recipe simply by looking at the label.
70% is fat (which is oil, give or take).
This means out of the $20, $14 goes to oil. And the rest -garlic, shallots, and not-so-spicy chilies.
(Don’t forget the jar, design, and most importantly, love.)
A pack of single-origin coffee from Kenya is $20.
A 2kg bag of premium rice from Niigata is $20.
For chilli oil to occupy that shelf space, my advertising brain is in awe.
The Asian grandpa brain is out somewhere having an intracranial hemorrhage.
Macklemore said it better:
Limited edition, let’s do some simple addition.
Twenty dollars chilli oil, that’s just some ignorant bedsheeeeet.
I call that getting swindled-and-pimped sheeeeeet.
I call that getting tricked by a busineeeeess.
Since turning 5, my daughter’s favourite phrase is ‘my body, my decision.’
I get it, you’re all grown-ups, I can’t tell you what to do.
And sure, I’m a hypocrite here, business gotta do what they do to survive.
In true Asian grandpa style, I’m here to offer a home remedy.
Here’s a really, really simple way to make crispy chilli oil.
It’s for two jars, but my wife is a magician - she can make one jar disappear overnight - poof, just like that.
The What
300ml of oil (peanut, sunflower, canola .. all good, maybe avoid olive or sesame oil unless you like burnt oil)
50-80g of chilli (dried, birdseye, huajiao, chilli powder, gochugaru… all depends on your tolerance)
8 cloves of garlic
4 shallots / 1 onion
1 knob of ginger
Optional: bacon, spring onions, chopped peanuts, sesame seeds, dried shrimps, dried anchovies, star anise, cinnamon …
The How
Roughly pulse garlic, ginger, onion, and the optional stuff. If you like them chunky like chips you can use a mandolin or a razor blade like the Italian mafias in Goodfellas. I personally use a pestle and mortar.
Chop up/grind the chilies if not using powdered version, into a separate wide and heatproof bowl. (Or, another pot.)
Heat the oil in a pot until 180°C, fry all the ingredients in Step 1 until golden. (Maybe open the windows too.)
You can pour the oil through a sieve, I simply skim out the ingredients, and this is important - let them cool on a wire rack/sieve for 15-20 minutes. This makes them crispy.
Return oil to pot.
Once oil reaches 200°C, carefully, pour/ladle the hot oil into the bowl/pot of chili. They should sizzle and fizzle.
Combine with the crispy bits.
You can add oyster sauce, fish sauce, soy sauce, sugar, belachan, MSG, even love …
Remember to let the oil sleep and ferment. It gets after 2-3 days.
Before I forget (sorry non-Melburnians):
Hakata Gensuke sells their super spicy takana (mustard leaf) toppings for ramen. $8 for 250g. I simply walked into my Carlton shop and bought a bag. My wife adds them to everything.
Look for Kwong Cheong Thye, a Singaporean brand. (They used to stock them at Coles, not sure what’s the deal with COVID. Always available at Asian groceries though.) Their Nasi Lemak sambal is good. The chicken rice chilli is decent. Hoisin sauce delicate. They have crispy chili oil too. All around $5.
Lao Gan Ma has over 10 types of chilli oil, I doubt you’d tried them all. Amoy brand and Lee Kum Kee have their own versions and loyal fan bases as well.
If you’re going to drop $20 though, why not go all out with XO sauce? At least you get some seafood luxe in your jar.
Given a choice between seafood and love for $20, I pick seafood.
For a week, I did not know how to end this newsletter.
The world is angry, I’m angry, the internet is angry.
But then a reader came to pick up her book.
A doctor, 3rd year in, on her pushbike.
During a wet evening.
She told me she’s not sure if her job has any meaning.
And I was like, ah shit.
Here we have a real professional dealing with real lives feeling burnt out, and I’m here feeling hurt over some strangers’ comments on the internet.
How self-absorbed am I?
Not saying we should abuse each other on the internet.
Just saying, there’re real things to be concerned about.
Everyone’s dealing with their own shit.
After all, what is poo, if not nutrition persevering?
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