How To Be A Food Reviewer Pt 1.
“So I saw this new hidden Korean place in Melbourne, always with a long queue, and I gotta check it out. You know how I like spicy food so I had to take up the challenge and order this fiery chilli dish. It was seriously hot. It matches this blue drink and pink cocktail very well. We tried this other dish, it's sooo good. I asked my partner and he agreed he said he has gone to Kpop heaven. This other dish is better than good, it's super good, and incredibly flavourful. The chefs have trained in Japan so you know it's authentic. The interior is down to earth and totally vibes with us. Guys, it's my new favourite and let me know if you've been there. Don’t forget to book.”
You can already picture it in your head.
A shot of the queue, interior shot, cut to noodles or gooey cheese being pulled out, POV of a lettuce wrap, waiters serving the food, a literal thumbs up or consumption of food, exterior shot.
This, believe it or not, is the current gold standard of a restaurant review.
You can hate it, but they have their 2 billion subscribers to prove that your opinion doesn't matter; the views and exposure do. Even mainstream, authoritative guides are imitating it. Do you even SEO or algorithm?
So the simple answer to the title is, buy a smartphone, take videos, record a voiceover, remember to stress and repeat ‘so good’, upload to whatever, bam, food reviewer.
I suspect my slow recovery from COVID last year was due to the virus in my body and the poison in my brain, as I was bombarded with these ‘reviews’.
I honestly can't remember a single thing I watched.
Welcome to fast food content.
The high fructose syrup of media.
And like fast food, it scratches a dopamine itch, but the nutritional value is zero.
When I started writing this, I was ready to bash society, the decline of humanity, and the retardation of taste.
But a piece of writing came up and proposed: that's just how the new generation consumes content.
I don't know if you remember your first boob.
My first boobie was a squiggly sketch on a piece of paper drawn by my primary school classmate, who copied it from his brother, who saw it from a worn-out bootleg dirty magazine, that was shared in a hidden tree house ...
We were cavemen retelling stories of … the boob.
I had to wait 20 years to see a high res version of a boob on screen, shot on a 4K digital camera. Another 5 years for it to load, or to be summoned at will.
I think my first real-life boob was a life drawing lesson. And even then, it wasn't a fun boob, it was a frustrating boob. It was a study of light and shadow, shading and cross-hatching with charcoal, and why oh why couldn't I get the shape right? A boob I had to erase and redraw multiple times.
Compared to kids nowadays who are born with a pro-res smartphone in their hands, with the ability to search 'boob' and be presented with a buffet of international boobs is ... I don't know what to say, magical?
Why would you take it away from them?
I remember on my Sydney train rides, teenagers would just sit down, launch TikTok and scroll through videos in 2-second increments for 30 minutes. I was trying really hard not to yell out 'Hey I was watching that' from the back seat.
If I can’t keep up with a teenager on her appetite for content, then I, cavemen, will never comprehend the inner workings of a 21st-century foodie.
And maybe, that’s a good thing.
I was talking to a roaster at a cafe, and he told me a few weeks ago some influencer shared a TikTok video of their cafe's iced oat latte. Since then they have had customers coming in asking for that drink, even though their specialty is coffee and pastries.
But no, the social media zombies are on the ship saying 'look at me, you specialise in iced oat latte now.'
I guess, the danger of chasing this new platform is that people could expect different things from you for reasons out of your control.
And maybe, that's a good thing.
When I was in school, they told us there were 5 billion people in the world, and I probably will see it double in my lifetime.
That's two earth-worth of people.
Surely that's enough market for people who like to read real books and those who like to suck information out with a straw.
There's room for both traditional and new media.
Do we need to decide on a winner?
Constantly going ‘TV is dead’, ‘print is dead’, ‘radio is dead’, ‘podcast is dead’, … ffs I’m still receiving dominos flyers in my mailbox. Coupons are definitely not dead.
Think of it as a party - TV is here, 15s reel is here, Tupperware party is here, posters underneath the bridge is here, billboard is here, guerilla marketing is here, web banners and pop-up ads - sigh, come in web banners and pop-ups ads, but just stay out of the VIP room.
But there has to be a better way to review a restaurant other than saying it's 'so good'.
When you’re happy to accept ‘so good’, the alternative is ‘so bad’.
Actually, the alternative is ‘it fucking sucks’.
It is always easier, and more entertaining to read (and write) a negative review.
This chicken is good, that noodle sucks. That restaurant is good, this coffee sucks. Good, suck, good suck.
And I can once again say, maybe, that’s not a bad thing.
Food is food. Like art, either you love it or hate it. We don’t have to be pretentious to dwell on it.
Good, suck, move along.
But the next thing you know, your life is filled with all the negativity, this sucks, that’s overpriced, it’s disgusting, so overrated, and on the other side of the ring, weighing two grams, we have … so good. It’s kinda unfair.
We gotta boost that ‘so good’ vocabulary there. If not a better vocab, at least a but why?
Why bad?
Is it in your DNA? Or can it change?
Not to be a writer, or to be a snob.
But simply to understand why do you like certain things? Why do you dislike certain dishes? Your thoughts, your emotions, your sense of being.
So this post is the why.
Why should you care about being a better food reviewer.
And, in part 2, I’m going to talk about the how.