Three Strikes.
When Hana was born, we decided to move.
Baby needs space, we need more room.
What families bring up a child in an apartment, right?
*ignores half of the global population*
Most of my stuff had to go.
Particularly, my bookshelves filled with books.
Like Zhang Yi Mou and his golden leaves when shooting Hero, I categorized my books into different grades.
Some were sealed, some went into storage, and some into the trash.
I woke up at 6am on a Wednesday with baby Hana on the balcony, to say goodbye to the ones in the trash as the garbologists came by.
Part of my soul went with the truck, like a Horcrux.
When it was time to move, as we were inspecting our new place, my wife had cold feet.
“It’s too noisy here.”
“I think baby needs routine. She’s not ready.”
But … my books.
Six years later, we’re still in the same apartment.
A few weeks ago Paula from Stained Page News asked her readers for their most memorable recipe from a cookbook.
I erm and argh’d about the best, but I specifically remember the worst.
This recipe was memorable because it was so awful.
2011 was the peak of celebrity chefs, all of them - Ramsay, Oliver, Blumenthal, had a ‘family meal’ cookbook, a ‘you can’t afford to eat at our restaurant, why not try making yourself’ cookbook.
It was also the peak of molecular gastronomy so Adria, riding the ‘No.1 Restaurant of the World’ wave, released his version of a ‘fine-dining for poor people’ cookbook.
Like everyone who bought into the hype and the book, I immediately attacked the easiest recipe in the book - chocolate cookies.
And I failed spectacularly.
The recipe called for the dough to be poured into baking paper and then rolled into a log to be chilled. It was so runny that Chika thought I was playing with my own diarrhoea.
I don’t remember most of the cookbooks I abandoned but I definitely remember throwing away Ferran Adria’s The Family Meal without guilt or remorse.
If you can’t bother testing chocolate cookies, who knows what else you did not bother to do, right?
A few years ago, my sister made us dinner in Sydney.
One of those family meals you make with kids and grandparents visiting from different places.
A pot of green rice took me by surprise.
What was it? I asked.
“Oh, it’s from this cookbook,” she said.
You already know which cookbook she’s talking about.
I twitched, but swallowed my anger.
“Oh, but I modified it a little,” she added.
Aha.
Bad cookbook aside, I did have a rule I impose on most recipes.
Before you declare it good or bad, give all recipes a chance. Sometimes, it’s the weather. Sometimes, it’s the ingredients or your mood.
Give it three tries.
Even Michelin judges dine three times before awarding or taking away stars, right?
So, almost ten years later, I revisited the cookbook, from a library.
Coincidentally even the publisher republished it. (A ten-year anniversary edition? How many suckers bought this book?)
Perhaps they had a chance to revisit the recipe, and somehow made it work?
Let’s see.
Anyway, take two.
I really, really want it to work because it’s very simple.
Beat the egg with sugar on high for 5 minutes, microwave the dark chocolate and butter in the microwave until melted. Once egg mixture is thick and creamy add the vanilla, then liquid butter chocolate until well combined. Chop up the remaining chocolates, combine flour with five-spice powder and instant coffee, then mix everything together with a spatula, spread on parchment paper, roll into a cylinder, freeze for one hour, then bake in 180°C oven for 10 minutes.
There are a couple of red flags in this recipe, eg., no baking powder or soda, which means the only thing leavening the cookies is the one egg. Also, I’m not sure what blast chiller they use, one hour is barely enough to chill beer.
I subconsciously added another tbsp of flour.
Maybe it’s the new mixer, it’s not as runny as I remember. I rolled it like those tubular chicken breasts, tightening both ends like a Christmas cracker.
In the freezer for 24 hours, just to be safe.
Next morning, I tried unwrapping the paper away from the log, but it was still so gooey that everything went everywhere. I haphazardly scooped everything onto the tray, into the oven.
To my surprise, they came out looking like cookies.
The egg actually worked.
Still, compared to what it was supposed to look like:
Not to mention the wastage of baking paper and cookie dough.
Take three.
This time I beat the egg a lot longer, browned the butter, and added another tbsp of flour (three in total). Instead of rolling, I chucked the whole bowl of batter into the freezer and scooped out the dough with an ice cream scoop the next day.
The results were exactly the same.
So I declare the recipe a dud.
I mean, sure they look like cookies, but taste more like mini cakes. No crunch, no chew.
Perhaps, since the recipes are actually for staff meals, the family is a ‘metaphorical’ one.
Just like the chocolate cookie.
Just like the cookbook.