How To (not) Win Hats.
I called Melbourne City Council to report that water is gushing from the walls of our basement. It’s a wet basement but it wasn’t raining, so it has to be a sewage pipe burst. The lady on the line asked how I was certain it was a sewage pipe.
Oh, I don’t know, maybe because it REEKS of shit? That might be a clue.
Council forwarded me to Great Western Water, the body corporate lady organized a plumber, and to my surprise, everyone came within the hour.
Get this, the sewer pipes were blocked with grease from all the restaurants on Lygon Street - from Queensberry to Grattan.
We waited for traffic control to set up a blockage so the GWW guys could use who-knows-what to suck out (or pump away) the fat, grease, and oil accumulated by Lygon’s finest for the last twenty years or so.
The guy in the truck said if I didn’t report it, it’d have been an interesting long weekend for all the restaurants.
So you’re welcome, restaurant owners of Carlton.
Where’s my medal?
Speaking of medals, it’s ‘hat week’ in Melbourne.
Rich people wearing fancy hats pump the horse-racing industry while Fairfax gives out Australia’s macaron-equivalent hats to support the hospitality industry.
Three out of three new sushi restaurants I covered this year for Broadsheet - Matsu, Aoi Tsuki, and Uminono were awarded a hat.
Coincidence?
Like a truffle-hunting dog, I do possess an instinct to sniff out the hats.
And lemme tell you it has nothing to do with food.
Here are my observations for restaurant owners who are hat hungry.
You need to be in debt.
Financially, you gotta take up a loan. If not from the bank, then from your parents, your old bosses. This is not a feel-good story about how you made it as a migrant with bare bones, this is about interior design, single-origin ingredients, prime real estate, uniforms, a brigade system. You need to be in debt so you can-
Give back.
As in, pay the ATO. Pay Australian-looking Australians. Pay Australian-looking landlords. Create jobs. Pay local suppliers. Train and pay wages to Australian-looking Australians. Even if you’re money laundering, you gotta make sure the council takes their cut first. Even if you’re dealing drugs behind counters, make sure it’s from Australian-looking Australians selling to Australian-looking Australians.
Wine list
The chances of winning a hat increase a thousandfold when you have a wine list that’s longer than an A4 page; and two thousandfold if you have a sommelier.
A face
For lack of a better word - pedigree. Can they trace you, the owner, your chef, and your graphic designer to another prestigious restaurant?
Marketing
English muthafuka, do you speak it? Can you write a press release? Do you have any photographs to submit when publications come knocking? If you can’t afford to hire one, at least set up a fake email such as marketing@restaurant.com and please, no gmail or yahoo
No franchising
Food court, shopping mall, casino, fast food looking, self-service? Instant disqualification. Does 1800 Lasagna really deserve a hat more than Nobu or Rockpool? Well, the owners of the latter two cashed out. So hats be taketh away.
Last year, a two-hatted chef told me hats did not help with bookings, and I’m not exactly sure if he’s boasting, or complaining like Sydneysiders with the upkeep of their jacuzzi and pools.
Some people think it’s really important; some people think it’s a farce, some people have it, but want something else.
Ying Thai 2, Saigon Pho, and Hakata Gensuke are located along Lygon Street, all san hats. Right across them, there’s Kazuki (two hats), Lagoon (one hat), and Di Stasio (one hat).
Over the years, their food poo contributed equally to the blockage of sewage pipes, causing stress to me, the council, the water company, and a plumber. (Well no I’m sure the plumber got paid handsomely for emergency call out.)
My point is, as I scrolled through the list, it’s pretty apparent that the Good Food Guide isn’t exactly about ‘good food’, but rather ‘good look’.
If you want a real list of good food, check out Dani Valent’s 40 under $40 list and I can’t believe I’m saying this - Time Out’s 50 best cheap eats.
They are more diverse, down to earth, and considerate towards the current climate.
Which brings me to Jang Go Mama.
Jango Mama does not deserve to be on the ‘Good Food’ list or the ‘Cheap Eat’ list. It deserves to be on the Michelin Bib Gourmand list.
Why?
Single-Minded Proposition.
They do one thing well and it’s on the billboard - gimbap1.
Heart, soul, and bones.
Unapologetically Korean, an omma makes the gimbaps by order near the entrance. The husband makes the rest at the back. A third person serves as the ‘front of house’ aka kitchen helper, name caller, and water filler.
Short menu
Once again - gimbap, tteokbokki, and some cold noodles. Ramsay would be proud. Google shows that they used to offer more home-cooked meals, but I can see why they chose to focus on the high-volume/high-profit margin/ low-effort takeaway model. My favourite part is NO apps, online ordering or QR codes. Just look at the menu and point like it’s 1995.
Consistency and value
The price isn’t exactly cheap at $17-20 a gimbap, but once you feel the weight as you receive your order you’ll understand. They are basically a bowl of rice dish in burrito form. I ordered the spicy chicken and prawn the first time and expected them to simply switch out the protein but the fillings and seasoning were different.
Mystery
Not counting the tables on the sidewalk, the shop uncomfortably fits six. And the lunchtime queue reminds you of a small street in Tokyo or New York where you see people waiting for their orders, making tourists wishing they were locals.
Ironically, Jang Go Mama is situated two doors down from Hawker Chan, a ‘Michelin-starred franchise’ that had wilted to its death. (See? Franchise.)
The graffiti and lo-fi setup screams confidence and you can’t help but root for them.
A place you desperately want to try if only someone gave you the recommendation, courage, and validation.
I got it from Jess Ho’s story.
And I’m passing it to you.
Pop quiz hot shot, what’s the difference between gimbap and sushi? On top of my head, I can think of two - gimbap doesn’t use vinegar to season their rice, instead, they use sesame oil. Two - no raw ingredients like salmon, tuna, or avocado. Everything is cooked. Like I said before, a bibimbap burrito. Let me know if I miss something.
I am craving for Gimbap now!
Wish we had a specialized place over here where I live.